A Belated #TBT, a Blog from Yesteryear..."Big Girl on the Bus!" - Day 15

So I guess, I'm not a total blog newbie, but this blog post is from my SparkPeople page and was viewable to only a few members of that site. It unfortunately still rings true for me today. The post is from

Wednesday, February 22, 2012, it's called, Big Girl on the Bus.

So I know I delved into this a bit before, but it's getting to the point where it's starting to get disturbing! I live in the city of deep dish pizzas, hot dogs, abundant steak joints, fried chicken, and well every delicious food a food junkie would love! So how is this related to Big Girl on a Bus?? Well, I am seeing a steady increase on the number of very overweight women (and men too, but they're not the ones having this issue) riding on the bus.

When the bus is fairly crowded, heavy set men tend to squeeze in wherever, or just stand. Women, on the other hand, tend to search for the seat with the least discomfort for herself and her seatmate(s); they will stand if they're able to, but usually that's not what they do. It's embarrassing to look for a seat, especially when people are watching and hoping you don't sit next to them, this coming from one of the Big Girls! Today I watched two women discern which was the better seat....it's sad because I can see the frustration and embarrassment on their faces.

The first woman sat at an end seat, clearly uncomfortable because it had a pole on one side of her that was digging into her leg (I've sat in that seat before...not fun!!)). The second woman looked at at least 4 different options before choosing her seat. She didn't just stand in one place and size up her options, she went from seat to seat and looked down to see if she'd fit. I see this all too often and feel it's increasing all too quickly!

I am sick of being that Big Girl and feeling the shame that comes with not fitting into a normal seat (oh the psychosis of it all!). I mean, I see average size women just plop their behinds down wherever, no thought involved other then maybe eww the fat girl is taking up more than one seat and on a rare occasion giving a look or sigh of disgust!!  There are the considerate people though that I cannot forget to mention who actually see the distress I'm feeling and they try to scoot over and give the smile or nod that says "you'll be fine, go ahead and sit down".

In a world where we are judged on appearance first, heart and mind second, it's hard standing out and getting judged every time I get on a bus with anywhere from 40 to 60 people (I know not all people do, but a lot of the time it feels that way). It's almost like being that smelly homeless person that comes on the bus and gets glaring looks of disdain.

Of course this is all over dramatized, because honestly how many people really even care??? My lack of self-worth, confidence, you name it I'm lacking in it, really plays a huge role in making myself feel more out of place, less deserving than others, and oddly sometimes even invisible.

I'm going to add that as one of my goals....butt size equal to bus seat! But seriously, seeing the struggles and feeling them, is really pushing me into a new mode of consciousness. This is the last time I will complain of this issue!!! Now don't begrudge me complaining of train seats, lol.

I have a lot more to discover about why I am the way I am, but it appears this time around I am willing and sometimes eager to unveil the layers that have made me who I am today. So onward with my journey, may we all have some enlightenment in our lives that puts us on the right path!

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Well, I actually have a pic of me on sitting on a bus somewhere, I can't seem to find it, but in looking I found these pics from over four years ago! Not much has changed, I'm 255 lbs. in these photos at my gym.

June 17, 2011, at my gym.

June 17, 2011, at my gym.

June 17, 2011, at my gym.

June 17, 2011, at my gym.

A bit disgusted at myself for not having any positive changes in my health since I took these pics. I was pretty sick though from 2008-2012, so I guess I should be thankful that that health issue has been taken care of and I no longer need to worry about it. Now on to fixing and repairing with kindness my weight and other issues.


This blog post is for Thursday 10.22.15 - day 15 of my health journey.
Lunch for this day ...

salmon with brown rice and veggies (okra, green beans, butternut squash, tomatoes, lacinato kale, onions, and garlic
**just an FYI that plate is an 8" plate and the rice is a 1/2c.** 

dinner - a protein shake with almond milk and 1/2 a banana

Hope you're doing well on your journey to a better you, be it in health, work, or life in general. Best of health to you!